Voldy Goes to BYU!
by Backroads
Summary: Voldy converts to Mormonism, attends BYU, and joins a singles ward. And then love enters his life....
1. Voldy and the Missionaries

Yeah, this is quite out there. It's sort of a mix between Harry Potter and the awesome Mormon comedy "The Singles Ward". Please don't get offended. Anyone. Just read it for what it is.

  
  
  
  


Voldemort was feeling depressed. Yes, he had a body again, and he could touch that Potter brat, but he still wasn't quite ready to bring back his plan to conquer the world.

Potter had escaped. He had probably told Dumbledore everything.

There was only one place for Voldemort to go while he continued to gain power. A place where even Dumbledore couldn't find him.

That placed was Provo, Utah.

Voldemort liked Provo. He had once thought that he was the most evil creature in the world. But that was before he discovered Mormon jell-o: green gelatin filled with sliced carrots. Now that was evil.

But even after a few weeks in Provo, he was still depressed. He took Prozac, but it didn't help. There had to be more to life than seeking immortality and taking over the world.

That's when the elders showed up. Two acne-faced teenage boys showed up on his doorstep one day. 

"We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints," said one of them. "I'm Elder Jared Phelps and this is my companion Elder Ben Taylor."

Really confused, Voldemort led them inside. His pet snake Nagini "Snowflake" tried to eat them at first, but then she and Elder Taylor became bestest friends.

They gave Voldemort a copy of the Book of Mormon. He read it. A month later, after repentance, prayer, and soul-searching, he was baptized. He had to give up being an evil wizard, though, but that was okay, because he got to be a nursery leader instead!

Those kids were really evil. They spit up and drooled and Voldemort had to change their diapers and feed them snacks. But that's okay.

Since he didn't have a career as an evil wizard anymore, Voldemort went to BYU. He moved into an apartment and joined a singles ward. The Singles Ward was the scariest, most evil place he had ever seen! So of course he liked it. He even played offense for the basketball team.

Church basketball was a violent battle for Voldemort. It reminded him of the fight he had with Harry Potter, but the struggle of the wands was nothing compared to this. Voldemort had to go to the hospital after each game. 

A year later, Voldemort decided to go on a mission himself. He felt a little uncomfortable in doing so, after all the evil he had done, but after long discussions with his bishop and stake president and long hours of prayer and fasting, he decided it was the right thing to do.

He was very excited when his call came. His roomies gathered around him, waiting to find out where he'd go.

He opened the envelope and read the call. "Boise, Idaho," he breathed. "Wow."

He served an honorable mission, with only one incident where an ex-death eater tried to get his autograph. Then he came home and became bishop of the singles ward.

The End.


	2. Seminary

Yup. I wrote another story. Thanks to Mijozi for this idea!

  
  


Voldemort was hanging out in the living room of his student apartment with his room mates Zack, Dalton, and Hyrum when the phone rang.

"Dude, it's probably out that fire I caused," Zack said, reaching for the phone. "'Sup?"

"Did you know that Frodo Baggins used a phone to call the missionaries for his discussions?" Dalton said.

"Really?" Hyrum said in amazement.

Zack, looking relieved, handed the phone to Voldemort. "It's for you, man."

Voldemort took the phone.

"Brother Voldemort?" a voice asked. "This is Brother Kendrick from the local high school's seminary program. It turns out that one of our regular seminary teachers is involved in some sort of phoenix organization of some sort and needs to go to England all next week. Would you mind substituting?"

Voldemort thought quickly. He had led hordes of despicable death eaters, but teenagers? Never. "I've never taught seminary before."

"Oh, it's easy. The kids will guide you right through it."

"Do it!" Hyrum exclaimed. "That's a great way to impress Relief Society girls!"

So, the following Monday morning, Voldemort found himself teaching seminary. He stood at the front of the classroom as teenager after teenager filed inside. Each one reminded him of Harry Potter.

"Hey," one kid said. "Aren't you that bad guy who is always trying to kill Harry Potter?"

"That was before I was baptized," Voldemort replied stiffly.

No one seemed to hear him. They all just glared. One kid threw a set of scripture mastery cards at his forehead.

"Maybe you'll get a scar and know what it feels like!" the kid yelled. Everyone cheered.

Somehow, he managed to get through the opening hymn and prayer without too much trouble. Perhaps he could do this.

He had prepared an object lesson involving a kiwi fruit, a piece of purple yarn, and a pebble he had found on the ground that morning.

One girl waved her hand in the air wildly. "Ooh! Ooh! Brother Voldemort! Is this about the Plan of Salvation?"

"For once in the history of seminary, no. Now pay attention."

"You're going to kill us all with that kiwi!" another kid shouted.

A kid in the front row grabbed the pebble and threw it at Voldemort's head.

He sighed. It was going to be a long week.


	3. Seminary Talent Show

I'd like to give thanks to everyone who's read these stories so far!

Friday.  The week from hell was at its end.  As he waited for the students to file into the classroom, Voldemort vowed that he would never, ever, ever again substitute-teach seminary.  He had suffered more in that week alone than in his entire life.  Scriptures and mastery cards had been thrown at him, his chalk had been stolen, only to reappear as a toy wand in some student's hand (the student always pretended to be Harry Potter—very annoying), and he had electrocuted himself with the light bulb and salt water object lesson. On top of that, no one knew how to play the piano and only three scriptures had been passed off!  Yes, Voldemort couldn't wait to be free.

            And that day should be quite easy.  He wouldn't have to baby-sit as much today.  This was a release-time seminary program with three other teachers, and they had dubbed today Talent Show day!  They'd gather all the students in one room and let them entertain each other.  Yes, today would definitely be easy.

            The students didn't seem quite as interested in tormenting Voldemort that day.  They made it through the devotional with relative ease, and they even sidled into the talent show classroom with only two threats from Voldemort.  Once inside, Voldemort hid in a safe corner.

            One of his students, Mary Sue Smith, was the first act.  He knew her well—she had insisted all week that she had never so much as touched a piano.  Well, what would her talent be?

            "I'm going to play "Moonlight Sonata" on the piano," she announced.  She then proceeded to express her artistry with skill to make any concert pianist blanch.

            It was more than Voldemort could bear!  Mary Sue had barely finished the moving performance when Voldemort yelled "Yet you can't play 'Sweet Hour of Prayer'?!"

            Mary Sue burst into clearly false screams of terror. "Voldemort's attacking me!  He wants to kill me just like he wants to kill Harry Potter!"

            The combination of four seminary classes revolted.  They mashed their programs into balls and threw them at Voldemort.  

            The other seminary teachers just laughed as Voldemort was driven from the classroom. "There goes another substitute."


	4. Gosh dang it, I'm doing Singles Ward!

Three weeks later, Voldemort had not yet recovered from the seminary experience.  He couldn't even handle teenagers.  No wonder he had been so unable to deal with Harry Potter!  That is, if he were still a dark and vicious wizard.

Despondency did not take long to set in.  Even though the whole evil malicious dictator part of life was in the past, the sudden and harsh realization of why he had failed hurt. It hurt more than anything he had ever before experienced.  Including the time when he had to break up with his super model girlfriend Michelle.  (Author's Note:  See "The Conspiracy of Voldemort".)

And so his life flipped in on itself.  He lay around his apartment watching MTV and "The Newsies" (uncut!).  He began to fail his classes.  He couldn't even participate in church basketball.  

One morning, as Voldie lay in bed, rethinking his many failures, the phone rang.  With a sigh, he put the phone on speaker.

"Hi Voldemort!" said a disgustingly-cheerful voice. "This is Mary Sue Giles!  I'm the new ward activities director."

As if he cared.  Voldemort gave an unintelligible grunt of a reply.  

Mary Sue seemed slightly disappointed, but continued on with her message.  ". . . anyway, I'm in the middle of planning the next ward activity. It's going to be a talent show. It'll be so much fun!  And I heard you used to be an evil dark and malicious nice-people hating wizard dictator wannabe.  And I thought we could somehow work that into the talent show."

Voldemort sighed again, this time in irritation.  "Mary Sue, do you have a job?"

"Of course.  I'm an irritatingly perfect girl who can do know wrong. I get paid to work in people's fanfics and marry the main character."

"Great.  Then why don't you come over here and be all irritating?"

Mary Sue gasped. "Excuse me?  That was not at all appropriate—"

Voldemort cut her off.  "You're right. It's not appropriate."

". . . I'm. . . sorry."  She didn't sound sorry at all.  "I just thought you could participate in the ward talent show."

"And when was the last time you saw me at a ward activity?!"  Voldemort ended the connection.  After muttering to himself, he climbed out of bed and went to make himself some breakfast.

He had barely taken a bite when the doorbell rang.

"I'm coming!"  He jumped to his feet, dropped his bowl, and slid in the milk.  "Ow…."

The door opened anyway, and in walked his friends Dalton, Hyrum, and Eldon.  "Hey Voldemort!" they sang, completely oblivious to his situation.   "We were wondering if we could have a ride tonight."

"A ride?"  Voldemort cringed as he climbed to his feet. "Where?"

"There's a stake dance," Hyrum said.  "And Zack has already destroyed all of our cars."

"Then steal his car."

"Can't. He took it cliff diving."

Voldemort groaned.  "I assume you meant that literally.  And I missed the explosion?"  What a bad day this was turning out to be.  "Fine.  I'll take you to the stupid dance tonight."

So that night, they all piled in Voldemort's beat-up lemon of a station wagon (which he had lovingly nicknamed Snowflake) and took off for the stake center.  On the way, they sang annoying songs by N'Sync and Good Charlotte.

Even Voldemort, in his bad mood, had to admit the dance was pretty fun.  It even had a "Johnny Lingo" theme.  But he really didn't like cows, so he sat out in the foyer like a loser.

A few people walked by, pelted him with green jell-o, and called him a mean Harry Potter-hating man.  

Just as he was about to run screaming from the building, a really, really, really, really pretty girl sat down next to him.  "Hi!  The dance is in there."  She pointed at the cultural hall.

Voldie stared at her. "Yeah. . . I can see that."

"Just wanted to be sure you knew," the girl said, her smile broadening.  "And guess what else?  You're out here."

"You're good at this, aren't you?"  Voldie had to admit she was really cute.

"So. . ." said the girl. "Do you want to go dance?"

As the girl was really cute, he went with her.  And they danced and all that.

"So what's your name?" Voldemort finally asked.

She smiled at him even more. "Mary Sue Giles."

The name sounded really familiar. "That name sounds really familiar."

"I'm the new ward activities director."

The name seemed to echo in slow motion through the room.

Voldie screamed and jumped back.  "No!!!!"  He ran screaming from the room.

Mary Sue stood where she was.  "That was weird."

Her friend walked up to her.  "Why were you dancing with him?  If any guy did what he did to me, I'd never forgive him."

Mary Sue was completely clueless. "What are you talking about?"

"That was Voldemort!"


	5. Attack of the JellO!

Just a short little chappy this time, folks.  Thanks to everyone who read this twisted thing.

Back2theChaos:  I don't think it's the same Brother Kendrick.  The one I used for this story is this really sweet old guy from the Bonneville High seminary. But I suppose he might have transferred to Bell.

In all her fan fiction experience, Mary Sue had never been more furious.  Granted, she had few qualms about being paired with an outrageously villainous character—it had happened quite a few times before.  But she did appreciate knowing about such things in advance!  Especially when it was someone who had no phone etiquette whatsoever!

So she chased Voldie down, finally tackling him outside the primary room.

Voldie curled into fetal position. "I'm sorry!  Don't hurt me!"

Mary sue gave him a good kick before launching all her fury at him.  "Were you trying to be funny back there?  Or your twisted villainous Harry Potter-hating self?"

This was, with a doubt, the scariest thing Voldemort had ever experienced.  "I swear!  I didn't know it was you!"

"So that's an excuse to be such a pig on the phone?"

At that moment, Luna Lovegood walked up, completely oblivious to the verbal flogging. "Excuse me, Mary Sue?  A girl was attacked by jell-o, and they really need your help."

Mary Sue shot Voldie a look of pure venom before following Luna back to the foyer.

Voldemort followed her, still apologizing profusely.

Cho Chang was lying spread-eagle on the carpet, drenched in blood, tears, and carrot shavings.  A small group of people were laughing their heads off.  

Mary Sue knelt beside her.  "Did you twist your ankle?"

Cho whimpered.  "Are you a doctor?"

"I'm Mary Sue.  I know more than any doctor."

"Mary Sue," Voldemort said. "This is ridiculous. I was in a bad mood."

"I think a carrot may have sliced my medulla oblongata," Cho sobbed. "I didn't even see the jell-o until it was too late!"

"We better get her to the hospital," Mary Sue told one of the other girls.  She helped Cho to her feet.

"I can drive her," Voldy said helpfully.

"But you can't participate in the talent show," Mary Sue snapped. "Are your parents even Democrats?"

That caught him off-guard. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Every person in the room scowled at him.

"Just go see if you can stop the jell-o from rampaging," Mary Sue said shortly. 

Voldemort watched the girls drive off, not even hearing the screams as the jell-o sought more victims.


	6. Break the Fast

Voldy knew that he somehow had to win the affections of the lovely Mary Sue Giles.  Especially after the disaster of that day.  He thought he would surprise her by walking into her Relief Society the next day at church and declare his undying love to her (because Mary Sues' love that kind of stuff).  But he discovered that he hadn't the slightest idea where the Relief Society room was.  So he wound up spending church in the Primary room.

            Which was a bad thing, as he was the nursery leader.  The dang babies got loose and freed the jell-o that some brave Cub Scouts had managed to round up the night before.

            "You can come to Break-the-Fast with us!" Hyrum said.  "Mary Sue will be there for sure."

            "But you have to bring something," said Dalton.  "Because it's potluck."

            Voldemort didn't know how to cook!  So he hopped in his car and drove to HogiYogi, where he bought a 6-foot long sub.

            Eldon wanted to make lasagna, but the only cheese in the apartment was Zack's feta, and no one was going to let anyone make anything with that.  So Eldon made funeral potatoes instead.

            "Did you know that some people who eat potatoes are members?" Dalton said.

            "Seriously?" Hyrum replied.

            Voldy enjoyed the Break-the-fast. Indeed, he had never heard of such a thing, but neither had the authoress of this fic prior to seeing "The Singles Ward", so everyone figure that was okay.  

            Mary Sue sat with her friends on the other side of the gymnasium.  Voldy tried to get her attention by throwing funeral potatoes at her head, but this only made her angrier.  When she finally dumped a bowl of frog-eye salad on his head, he realized that coming to the Break-the-Fast was not helping the relationship grow.

            At the end of the meal, he sadly crept up to the serving table to retrieve the last of his sandwich (about two feet, which was pretty dang good.)  Mary Sue was at the table as well, cleaning up.  She raised an eyebrow as Voldy grabbed the sandwich.

            "Ah, so it was you who brought the sandwich."

            Some guy ran up.  "Actually, that sandwich is mine, and it's from Subway.  Your sandwich is over there, Voldy."

            "Oh."  Mary Sue and Voldy walked to the other end of the table.  

            "Let me try this again," said Mary Sue. "So it was you who brought the sandwich."

            "It's an old family recipe," Voldy said proudly.

            "Family?  I thought you never knew your parents."

            "It's a Black family recipe, actually.  But they're all dead, so I took it."

            (A/N:  Let's all have a moment of silence for Sirius.)

            "Nice try," Mary Sue snapped. "I may have never worked at Hogi Yogi, but at least I was smart enough to take my KFC out of bucket before I brought it."  She grabbed her plate and shoved a wing into her mouth.  "Next time, take the sandwich out of the Hogi Yogi paper."  She threw a drumstick at his head and left.

            Again.  

            Was this is life?  To be dumped again and again by a beautiful girl?

            No.  He had once tried to rule the world.  He could certainly get on good terms with Mary Sue.


	7. Invitations2 of them

The next day, Voldemort received a surprise on his doorstep:  the kid that delivered the newspapers had actually managed to get the paper on the doormat.  Wow.  Also, there was an invitation for an FHE activity that night.

Voldy stared at the invitation for a long time.  He couldn't figure out what "FHE" meant for the life of him.  But he did admit that it was a nice invitation.  It was on pink cardstock, disgustingly cute, and had happy face and unicorn stickers on it.  Evidently, someone in this FHE was also in the local Relief Society.  Or a Mia Maid.

An idea slowly entered his mind.  He slipped the invitation into one of those new Ziplock bags and took it to the lab, where he convinced the undergrads playing around there to dust the invitation for fingerprints.  Soon his suspicions were realized:  Mary Sue Giles had left that invitation.

There was only one thing to do:  He had to go this FHE thing, whatever it was.  Because Mary Sue would be there.

"Voldemort!" everyone exclaimed as he entered the random apartment the invitation had directed him to.  "How come you never come to FHE?"

"Because I don't know what it is," he replied.

"Ooh!" went Dalton.  "Neither did Legolas when he first went to FHE!  Did anyone know that?"

"I didn't!" said Hyrum in amazement.

Eldon sighed. "Legolas isn't real, you two."

"NOOO!!!" exclaimed every girl in the room.  Except for Mary Sue Giles.  She had been paired with Legolas in dozens of fanfics, so she already knew he wasn't real.  Besides, she was trying to figure out just why Voldemort was there.

"FHE stands for Family Home Evening," someone finally explained.  "Don't worry; no one ever comes so no one ever knows who their family is."

Voldy felt very stupid.  

The lesson was on Eternal Marriage—at least, it would have been if this story was taking place at BYU-Idaho, but it's not.  But someone read a quote that could probably be related to Eternal Marriage in some way, so that was good enough.  Then, to Voldy's horror, someone pulled out a deck of cards and suggested they play Scum.  

So he sat back and watched Mary Sue remain President time after time.  She would make a good president, he thought.

After a while, just watching the card game became boring.  He noticed a jar on the kitchen table.  He tried to ignore it, but it became so tempting.  In fact, it called to him.

"Voldy," it whispered in a psychotic tone that only Voldy could hear. "Voldy.  Pick me up, Voldy."

So he did.  He took off the lid and saw dust.  He immediately realized what it was.

"Hey," he said to the guy sitting next to him.  "Did you ever see that movie "The Singles Ward?""

The guy looked at Voldy as if he were some idiot who never went to FHE.

"Well, there's this great scene in it where the main character is at Family Home Evening and picks up this jar of ashes belonging to the family's old dog.  He asks the guy sitting next to him if he's ever seen the movie "Meet the Parents."  The guy says no.  So the main guy tells him about this great scene where the main character of that movie pops a cork and it hits this jar of ashes. . ."

The guy didn't seem to care, so Voldy put the jar back on the table.  Only it landed on the DVD remote.  The DVD player turned on, revealing a Disney movie.  Everyone screamed.  The jar itself rolled from the table onto the floor, spilling the ashes everywhere.

"The rotting brown sugar!" a girl cried.  "I was going to use it for a science project!"

"Sugar?" Voldy repeated.  "I thought it was. . ."

"You are so morbid," Mary Sue hissed.  "You make a sick joke about that after ruining that science project.  You're despicable."

Voldy left FHE that night, no closer to winning Mary Sue's heart than before.

But the DVD incident did inspire him to buy a big screen TV.  TVs were pretty cool.

Dalton, Hyrum, and Eldon helped him set up the TV fine, but the DVD player had to be hooked up through the VCR, which would play a tape at some random channel whilst intercepting signals from Russian satellites in order to get the DVD player to even turn on.  

"Hey," said Hyrum, coming from the kitchen.  "What's this?"

Everyone gasped when they saw what Hyrum held in his hand.  It was a note.  A nice, clean note, nothing fancy.

"Someone's being almost normal in an effort to ask you to Preference!" Eldon screamed.

"Wow," whispered Voldy. "Who's it from?"

"Dunno. It says that she will be flogged by society if she doesn't do something creative, so you have to meet her at Hogi Yogi."

"Mm," said Voldy. "I like Hogi Yogi.  But I really don't want to go to Preference, especially with someone I don't know."

"Maybe it's from Mary Sue," Dalton suggested.

That changed his mind.  He hopped in his car and drove to Hogi Yogi.

He gasped in horror when he saw who was waiting for him.

To the readers:  Any suggestions for who it should be? I haven't decided yet.


	8. Blame the houseelf!

Voldy wanted to die of humiliation. It wasn't fair. He could feel every eye on him as we walked into the decorated gym with his date.

"Isn't this fun?" Professor Sibyll Trelawney said happily. "I just knew that you would go Preference with me. I saw it as I gazed into my crystal ball one night, that if I asked you at the Hogi Yogi, you would go with me. And I was right. The Inner Eye never lies."

Voldy muttered a naughty swearword under his breath. Trelawney refused to let go of his arm.

Hyrum, Dalton, Eldon, and even Zack had been asked by super models. They taunted Voldy the entire night. Voldy soon grew so miserable that he dumped an entire bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red into the punch bowl.

"I see that we will dance a slow dance!" Trelawney shrieked suddenly, dragging him away from the bowl. "The Inner Eye never lies!"

Voldy wanted to poke the Inner Eye.

Finally, thankfully, the dance ended. Voldy was ready to drop Trelawney off at her apartment and make a break for it.

But then Dalton brought up the idea of a movie.

"At my place?" Voldy asked, frightened.

"Ooh!" squealed Trelawney. "I see that we will be watching "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" on DVD! AND on Voldemort's TV."

"But. . .but my DVD player hooks up through the VCR!" he protested.

"I see that someone will know how to work with that!"

Before he knew it, a huge group date had been arranged around the TV in Voldy's living room. He stood at the door unwilling, like a good host in that position, greeting everyone as they entered.

Then Mary Sue entered. They stared at each other coldly.

Then her date appeared. 

Voldy nearly screamed.

"Hello," said a short kid with messy hair and glasses as he shook Voldy's hand. "I'm Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived." They stared at each other coldly. "This is my date, Mary Sue."

"We've met," Voldy snapped. But inside he was dying. How could she? How could Mary Sue go to Preference with Harry Potter? His arch nemesis? Of course, she probably knew him very well from countless fanfics, but still!

Soon everyone was settled for the movie. Trelawney still refused to leave Voldy alone.

Dalton stood up, disappointed. "Sorry, but Professor Trelawney's copy of "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" was eaten by Fluffy."

A loud cry of disappointment rose.

"But! But we have "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"!"

Cheers replaced the groans.

"I knew we would watch that one!" Trelawney exclaimed.

Voldy really hated that movie. He finally made an excuse to escape to the kitchen to make more Kool-Aid. He had barely fixed a pitcher when a house-elf appeared out of nowhere, knocked over the pitcher, and vanished. 

"I hate when that happens!" Voldy screamed, grabbing a roll of paper towels.

Mary Sue appeared in the kitchen. "Let me help you with that," she said bitterly. "You've made such a mess."

"It wasn't me; it was a house-elf!"

"Oh, sure. Blame the house-elf. Is that your whole thing? Blame innocent house-elves?"

"At least I don't date midgets!" he shot back.

"Oh, yeah?" she snapped back. "At least I don't date psychos!"

Voldy laughed. "Let's get back to your date. What's that all about? He introduces himself with a handshake and all his victories against me?"

Mary Sue sighed. "Look, this fic demands that we reveal our unspoken attraction for each other and make out here in the kitchen. So let's just get it over with. Voldy, I've loved you from the moment I saw you."

And they made out in the kitchen while the "Hallelujah Chorus" played.

  
  
  
  
  
  



	9. Mary Sue loves Voldy!

From that moment on, Voldy and Mary Sue were inseparable. They did everything together, including finally cleaning up the Kool-Aide the house-elf had spilt (of course, he returned as soon as they made another pitcher-dang house-elves). 

True, their dates weren't too pleased at finding the odd couple at it in the kitchen (especially during the best part of the movie), but the incident inspired Harry Potter to finally ask out Ginny Weasley, whom he later married and had a dozen kids with (sorry, everyone else who does not support that ship) and Trelawney to move to Boca and stop bothering people with her claims of seeing the future.

And yet, the day after the incident was rather awkward for Mary Sue and Voldy as well. Here's what happened:

Fight in kitchen.

Kissing in kitchen.

Making more Kool-Aid.

Beating house-elf who knocks over Kool-Aid pitcher.

Declaring their love to all the guests.

Fighting Harry and Trelawney.

Apologizing to cops about noise.

Voldy finally kicking everyone out.

So, the next day, Mary Sue, very embarrassed, called Voldy. "I'm really sorry about last night. I'm not sure what happened."

Voldy gave a nervous laugh. "Yeah, well. You blackened Trelawney's Inner Eye pretty well."

"I feel really bad about that. But the kitchen. . ."

"Dang house-elves."

"I know. But the kiss. . ."

"Oh. Well, I should apologize about that."

"No, I think I should."

"No, it was me. I'm the man."

"Oh? You think that just because you are a male you are the superior member of every relationship?!"

"Well, you think that just because you're Mary Sue you can have any man you want!"

"And I can!"

"Yeah, well, I can ask you to dinner tonight!"

"And I can say that I will go! You jerk!" She slammed the phone down, realized the conversation, and laughed. "Yes! I'm in love!"

So that's how Voldy and Mary Sue became inseparable.

For dinner, they went to Hogi Yogi, where they each ordered a six-foot long sub. Just kidding. Actually, they both just got yogurt and split a bowl of fried rice.

"This is a really romantic spot, Voldy," Mary Sue said softly. "I'm really glad you brought me here."

"It has a lot of meaning to me," he explained. "This is where all of my Death-Eaters and I would come to plot evil doings and such."

Mary Sue laughed. "You know, you were always my favorite character. I'm so glad someone let us fall in love outside a 1940's Tom Riddle time period piece."

"I know. Say, wanna go mini-golfing?"

Mary Sue made a face. "That's stupid. Let's go break into a country club golf course and fish for the golf balls that have fallen into the water."

"Score!"

So they took off. Mary Sue used her super Mary Sue powers to somehow break into the golf course. Because she is Mary Sue.

As they fished for golf balls, they talked. Finally, Mary Sue brought up the inevitable question.

"How come you don't go to activities anymore?"

Voldy sighed and told her about the seminary talent show.

"Oh. . . I never knew. I'm so sorry."

Voldy was impressed. No accusations about killing Harry Potter, or anything. He had really found a great woman.

Mary Sue smiled warmly. "Well, seminary talent shows aren't perfect. And not everyone knows how to play "Sweet Hour of Prayer".

It was true. But only Mary Sue could explain it without being mean.

"Thanks, Mary Sue," Voldy said. "I really appreciate that."

"You're welcome." And they kissed as the cops pulled up.

  
  


A few days later, Voldy's friend Wormtail called him up. 

"Hey, Voldy," he said. "Wanna go toilet paper and egg Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry next week?"

Voldy frowned and thought about his growing relationship with Mary Sue. "No, thanks. I'm very busy lately."

Wormtail sounded disappointed, but said "Okay, but call me if your schedule ever opens."

Like that would ever happen, Voldy thought happily.

  
  



	10. Breakup

Voldy and Mary Sue quickly became the cutest couple in the singles ward.  They did pretty everything a dating couple can decently and allowably do together.  They road scooters, they went to the zoo, they cooked for each other, they cooked together, they toilet papered the bishop's house, they avoided FHE like the plague, etc.  It was a wonderful courtship, for they were both madly in love with each other.

Until the day Zack got arrested.  

To be perfectly honest, it wasn't his fault.  Mary Sue and Voldy had taken his car and bungi-jumped it off a cliff.  Since Zack was known to do weird things like that, the police automatically assumed it was him.  And so when the police showed him a picture of the car remains in all their fiery glory, he also said "Yep, that's my car" because, well, it was.  The police, of course, took that as a confession and slapped the handcuffs on him.  

"Shouldn't we tell them the truth?" Mary Sue asked Voldy worridly.

"Don't worry," came the reply. "He'll be breaking out next week anyway."

But the problem was that without Zack's car to borrow, there wasn't much they could do that night.  Of course, Mary Sue and Voldy both had cars, but they didn't want to throw either of those off a cliff.   

"Did you know that Lady Eowyn used to push Faramir's car off a cliff?" Dalton asked them.

And they certainly didn't want to hang out with Dalton, Hyrum, and Eldon!

That's when Mary Sue remembered that the local high school seminary was doing some party that night.  "It might be fun to crash that!"

"Uh… sure," Voldy agreed.  He still remembered his bad experience at the seminary, but he would do anything for Mary Sue.

So they drove over to the seminary party, crashed it (which was okay with the seminary teachers because they needed more chaperones anyway), and all was going good until someone recognized Voldy.

"You're the one who got mad because no one could play "Sweet Hour of Prayer"!" a boy shouted.  "You ran out of the seminary talent show!"

The teenagers immediately began to pelt Voldy with jell-o.

Mary Sue was horrified. "You were mean to seminary students?"

"Mary Sue, I can explain!" he begged.

She shook her head, tears filling up her eyes.  "I thought you were no longer an evil wizard who was mean to people.  I thought you had changed."

"I have changed. It was just a one time thing. All I wanted was someone to play the piano!"

"It's more than that, Voldy," she said softly. "It's your whole lifestyle. You won't go to church activities, either.  Or FHE.  I know it may not seem like much, but fellowshipping others is a big part of the Church community, and it's important for people to know you're there and that they can count on you as a friend on other times rather than Sunday meetings."

Voldy didn't know how to respond to that.  It was an idea he had never conceived before.

"There's something else.  I just got accepted to be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  They decided they needed a Mary Sue to teach."

Voldy was stunned.  "You… you just can't!"

"I know I won't last even a year," she said, glaring at him.  "But it's important to me.  Goodbye, Voldy."

And she took his keys, hopped in his car, and drove off.

That night, Voldy called up Wormtail.  "You still up for toilet papering Hogwarts?"

"Heck, yeah."

Shout-Outs:

First off, I'm so glad for everyone that is insane enough to read this!  I love you all!

Celebrindal:  Thanks!!!!

Hermione30: Thanks for all those reviews!

Mousebrat:  I'm glad you have a fear of a true Singles Ward copy. So do I.  Which is why I don't do it.  I'm also afraid they might sue me.  So.. who's the evil space llama?

Nkittyhawk: Stupidity is good!  Writing this story requires no talent whatsoever!  And I want to join the International Society of Pants!


	11. Toilet Papering Hogwarts

Just a short chappy today!  Sorry.  I just don't want you to think I've abandoned this.  I PLAN TO DO THE ENTIRE "SINGLES WARD" PLOT!!!

~~~~~~~~~~

Voldy had expected that it would be hard to not think of Mary Sue every moment of the day.  He was sure he would have to struggle against her memory, her sweet kisses, the romantic times they had spent together, the weird Batman theme music that he somehow now connected with her after reading a Batman fanfic with a Mary Sue in it.  But it wasn't that hard, not really.  If he just kept his days busy, he didn't have to think.

He hopped the first plane for Great Britain and met his friends Wormtail, Lucius Malfoy, and Barnaby the Frog in Hogsmeade.  

"I can't believe you actually came!" Wormtail said happily. "I'm so glad you could actually get away from life for a bit and have some fun!"

"And I brought peanut butter cookies!" Lucius announced with a grin as he pulled out a Tupperware dish decorated with pastel flowers.  "I baked them myself!"

Breaking up with Mary Sue wasn't starting off too bad, Voldy thought as he bit into a cookie. Everyone knew Lucius Malfoy baked the best cookies.  It was an old family recipe.

So the havoc began.  They bought a whole bunch of toilet paper (quilted, double-ply), fruit-scented shaving cream, and eggs.  Actually, Wormtail wanted to steal them but Voldy wasn't about to be that evil.  They staid up all night "decorating" Hogwarts until it looked like a toilet paper-covered castle.  Which it was, so. . .    They wrote "Dumbledore is a stupid head" on the lawn with the pink shaving cream.  They stole a box of plastic sporks from the kitchen and stuck those in the lawn.   Yes, they had fun indeed.  

Hogwarts didn't remind Voldy of Mary Sue; he wouldn't let it.  Besides, Mary Sue was still in Utah, preparing lesson plans and weird character trademarks to freak out the students with.  For that time, Hogwarts was just Hogwarts, a building that he could subconsciously lash out at Mary Sue against.

After a few nights of this, Voldy knew it was time to come home.  

Dalton, Hyrum, and Eldon picked him up in their new car.  Actually, Zack had taken it from the jail after his death-defying escape.  So they kinda felt they had to return it.  After a few joy rides.

"Mary Sue has left for some pre-Hogwarts training center," Hyrum explained.  "Don't ask me about it; the authoress just made it up at the spur of the moment to explain why Mary Sue isn't around and yet not yet at Hogwarts."

Voldy nodded.  He was surprised to find he didn't care.


	12. EFY Attacks!

A/N: Wow… I actually bothered to update! And how long have I been working on this story? EFY is being held at my campus, so perhaps that was a bit of inspiration.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, the Singles Ward, EFY (and I have nothing against it), Hogi-Yogi, Monty Python, or Hilary Duff.

* * *

However, later that day, Voldy found he did care. Oh, not about Mary Sue—he had prepared and hardened his heart against thought or feeling for her. But while he had spent a care-free time at Hogwarts, Provo had suffered. A certain, dreaded attack that came every summer bringing with it the sole consolation that the students at BYU-Idaho suffered more: the Especially For Youth conference. EFY.

Barely had Voldy and his friends come within five miles of campus when the first horrible incident happened, in the one place they thought would have been safe. The plane ride had been a long one, and Dalton, Hyrum, and Eldon were always up for food. So, in perfect innocence, they headed over to Hogi-Yogi.

And there they were. Whiney little teenagers in white t-shirts and blue lanyards oozing more angst than even Harry Potter during the fifth book. They filled the restaurant, chatting and screaming and giggling and taking forever on their orders while the overwhelmed employees raced to their every whim.

"No!" screamed Voldy. "All I wanted was the new low-carb thing where they wrap all the usual Hogi-Yogi stuff in a piece of lettuce and charge you extra!"

Eldon sighed dramatically and pulled out his calculator. After a moment of configuration, he sighed dramatically again. "Judging by the fact that we have thrice the BYU student body in EFY kids crammed in here, it'll take us until _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince _gets done and the editors write Voldy out of it and make the male Blaise Zabini an important character to get our sandwiches. Curse EFY!"

"Hey, did you know that Eloise Midgeon brought her laptop to Hogi-Yogi and spent the time waiting for her order fiddling with the bricks on Rowling's website?" Dalton asked.

"Really?" Hyrum replied.

"Yeah, and did you know that when the author attended EFY at BYU they weren't allowed to go off-campus or annoy anyone?"

"Wow… now the poor girl's at BYU-Idaho."

So Voldy was forced to return to his EFY kid-infested apartment without any low-carb Hogi-Yogi lettuce sandwich thing.

And the next day, in a regressive moment of full Voldemort power, he announced that Hilary Duff, signing copies of her new novel _Lizzie McGuire and the Pillar of_ _Storg_was just outside the Hogi-Yogi. All the kids believed him, ran outside, and he was able to order. And, somewhat to his surprise, he felt no guilt.

Yet he knew he should. He knew what he did was wrong, and he knew he shouldn't feel any hatred toward the EFY kids, as annoying as they might be. Something was wrong with him, and he didn't know what it might be.

So, one night, he drove out to the canyons to ponder his strange life. From orphan to Head Boy to infamous Dark Wizard and enemy of Harry Potter to BYU student. . . how had his life gone in so many different directions? And for a time there, he had felt he was doing the right thing. Actually, that sense of right had come several times—plotting to take over the world could do that to one—but never had the downtime felt so bad as this.

It was more than just missing Mary Sue. It was something else. Maybe, if he just let the EFY kids have their fun, if he just went to FHE or whatever it was called once in awhile to eat girl-made cookies, if he let the seminary students play whatever they wanted on the piano. . . were activities really so bad?

He reminisced on favorite moments in his life. A long romp through the fields behind the orphanage with Snowflake. Sticking "kick me" signs on Dumbledore's back. Getting the Death Eaters to run through Wal-Mart in pink, bunny-print boxer shorts. The time on his mission when the potatoes had attacked. Such memories. It almost seemed as if there were a background song creating a full musical interlude.

He must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew were two little boys throwing gum at his face and a parking ticket on his windshield. He shouted some Avada-mumbo-jumbo and sent the two boys running. Then he climbed out of the car.

"I've really been in a slump," he declared to no one in particular. "But I think I'm beginning to learn that I do have to socialize with and fellowship others. I have to be nice to people. Because insert corny dramatic speech."

"Are you okay?" Dalton asked.

Voldy turned to see his friends, standing next to Zack's new car, staring at him. He blushed. "Er. . . I'm trying out for a part in a new seminary video?"

They exchanged looks that clearly said "what a loser."

"So what are you guys doing?" he asked, eager to change the subject.

"We're going to push my new car off a cliff!" Zack exclaimed happily.

Now that was exactly what Voldy needed to calm down.

While they strung up fireworks to create the best possible explosion, conversation fell to Mary Sue. As it turned out, she was to leave for Hogwarts—that very day.

But it couldn't be. Voldy suddenly realized that he still loved Mary Sue, and he couldn't bare to see her teach at Hogwarts, especially as a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

"We have to stop her!" he shouted.

"Huh?" Everyone let go of the car they were in the middle of pushing to stare at Voldy, and the car rolled toward the cliff's edge, struck Voldy's car into the abyss, and quickly followed suit.

The fireworks did make for a more than decent explosion.

"Dang it!" Voldy cried. "Now we'll have to run dramatically!"

So Dalton and Eldon grabbed some coconuts to bang together, and the four friends rode all the way to the SLC airport. There, after somehow getting through security, they found Mary Sue about to depart.

"Where did you get those coconuts?" she asked, not even noticing Voldy. "They're not native to Utah, are they?"

"We found them," Hyrum said happily. "An European/African hybrid swallow dropped them."

"But they don't migrate through Utah. . . "

"Never mind." Voldy got down on his knees and took Mary Sue's hand. "Mary Sue, I know that I've been a complete jerk lately, but I know that I can change, because, well, Mary Sue, I love you!"

Mary Sue gasped.

"I love how you can do everything, how all the prophecies relate to you, how you have connections with all the great canon characters," he continued. "Mary Sue, will you marry me?"

She stared at him, jaw slack. "I. . . Voldy, this is ridiculous. I'm about to leave for Hogwarts like. . .," she glanced at her watch, "right now! And the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers are supposed to be single!"

"But you're a Mary Sue! You're expected to change that! I'll even start going to ward activities!"

"I. . ." It became too much for her. She burst into tears. "I love you, too! Yes, I'll marry you! Why don't you come with me and we can both be Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers?"

"Two professors?" a random passer-byer exclaimed. "Now that would be original fanfiction!"

It was a ridiculous idea, but what did it matter? Happily Voldy and Mary Sue kissed while everyone cheered.

* * *

SHOUT OUTS!

_sugarsprite__:_ Yes, Voldy the missionary. Not a good idea.

_v-babe24_: Thank-you! And Panther Cap thinks you're sexy_._

_cry__ missing:_ I don't think any part of this fic has a point. And sticking sporks in even a tiny lawn takes forever.

_kateydidnt__:_ Yes, you should be kicked out upon the age of 30. But do you want to tell that to Lord Voldemort?

_Written in Stars:_ Barnaby the Frog lives in your house!


	13. Singles Ward Epilogue

_**Shout-Outs!**_

**Veela-Valoom:** Thanks so much for reading this! I greatly appreciate it. I tried to do a list of various Mormon pop culture references.

**Aljake:** Yup, I'm Mormon. Or else I couldn't have written this story.

**HotDog-Jo:** Thanks!

**RVG:** It's Mormonism. It's extremely different.

**Krenya-Alenak: **You know, I've actually had fears of getting excommunicated because of this! But it's just so much fun and I try to stay away from anything serious.

**Sugarsprite: **Voldy served his mission before the bar was raised.

* * *

And so Mary Sue and Voldy happily moved to Hogwarts, where Voldy was given position as co-Defense Against the Dark Arts professor after he threatened to feed Dumbledore green jell-o filled with carrot shavings. They led an exciting year, though Harry Potter really had no idea what to do with himself now that no evil dark lord was trying to kill him.

But then Harry soon found the joy of magical construction-working and selected that as his career path, bringing in extra money by publishing his memoirs. He married Ginny Weasley and together they took over Artemis Fowl's mansion, destroyed it, and built another in its place. They currently have one set of twins and are expecting a second.

Lucius Malfoy joined forces with Mrs. Fields. You can now buy his famous peanut-butter cookies at most general grocery stores and Mrs. Fields shops world-wide.

Zack taught Professor Trelawney how to bungee-jump a car. She no longer annoys people with predictions and was last seen snow boarding in the Alps.

Zack discovered Afterglow in prison. He couldn't stand them, but fortunately he also discovered Jericho Road and is now their biggest fan. He served an honorable mission and now tours with Michael McClaine doing "The Forgotten Carols."

Eldon took over Australia using mainly palm pilots and poisonous broccoli.

Dalton, of course, became an expert on Mormon mythology and false doctrine. He wrote a book on the subject and gave seminars, but later became a seminary teacher in order to more easily spread the myths. He gives great object lessons and can get any student to play "Sweet Hour of Prayer."

Hyrum replaced Elder David A. Bednar as president of BYU-Idaho.

Cho Chang benefitted from intense therapy, went to college, and is now a psychiatrist specializing in grief counseling. Thank goodness.

Luna Lovegood proved the existence of over a dozen conspiracy theories and was subsequently elected Minister of Magic. She married Neville Longbottom, a highly respected Auror and they have twelve children.

Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger had a little too much caffeine-free root beer and left-over church party vanilla ice cream and woke up married with no memory of any of the experience.

Elder Jared Phelps led an interesting post-mission life that can be viewed by watching _The RM._

Elder Ben Taylor currently write whiney letters home to his family.

The girl that wouldn't play "Sweet Hour of Prayer" was unable to survive life as a music major and switched over recreational education.

Barnaby the Frog was murdered. There was much rejoicing.

Voldy and Mary Sue married and have that as their excuse for leaving before the year was up. (Snape was finally given the position.) They are expecting their first child.

And sometimes they even went to ward activities.

The End! (Of _The Singles Ward_ parody)

* * *

_List o' Mormon Culture Explanations:_

Provo. Provo is Happy Valley and is filled with Mormons.

Green Jell-o: A popular Mormon dish. We often put fruits, veggies, and other things into our gelatin. Carrot shavings are most common.

Acne-faced missionaries: In the Mormon religion, our young men serve two-year missions around the age of 19.

Elder Jared Phelps: A character from the movie _The RM._

Elder Ben Taylor: My brother, who is currently serving in Minnesotta.

Nursery Leader: During our church services, toddlers can go to the nursery to play. Of course, you need someone to babysit them.

Singles Wards: A singles ward is a church congregation composed of single people usually looking to get married. It's also a movie from which most of the plot was stolen.

Church basketball: Our church likes to do social activities, such as sports. During basketball games, tempers can fly. They are often very intense games.

Brother Kendrick: An old seminary teacher at my high school.

Seminary: It's a kind of religious education for teenagers.

Scipture mastery cards: Part of the seminary program is encouraging kids to memorize certain scriptures.

Object lessons: We teach morals and concepts using objects.

Plan of Salvation: A very, very common lesson in church, seminary, and etc.

"Sweet Hour of Prayer": A Mormon hymn. Very easy to play. However, people just don't like playing the piano.


End file.
